


Knock

by blameitonthegirl



Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy
Genre: (omg they were soulmates), I do believe they are soulmates, I was thinking platonic valduggery when I wrote it, Other, but you can read however you like I'm not here to judge, that said
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-04-27 00:10:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14413458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blameitonthegirl/pseuds/blameitonthegirl
Summary: An AU where Valkyrie is born sooner, discovers magic sooner and all the Darquesse mess happens sooner, but she meets Skulduggery later.But you can only delay fate for a certain amount of time.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language, so please, correct my grammar!!!!! That's the only way I'll improve. Besides, prepositions are hell.

The first time they met wasn’t  _ really  _ the first time they’d met.

The first time they met had been many many years ago, but neither of them remembered the encounter that much. Since then, they’d almost bumped in each other exactly thirty-two times, but it was always a matter of seconds, of different exits, of different approaches. 

One time Skulduggery had to wait  _ forty-five minutes  _ for Ghastly to finish measuring someone else, sulking all the time while he heard chatter and a woman’s laughter in the other room. When he inquired Ghastly about the client, who had apparently left through the window in a hurry (something Skulduggery could respect), the man had only said “you’re not my only friend, you know”, which caused even more sulking.

One time Valkyrie arrived at China’s library just in time to see a Bentley driving away. When she’d asked China to borrow a book to do some research, the woman had sighted dramatically. “Oh. dear, I’ve just loaned the perfect book to someone else. Do you want me to call him? Just give me the word.” She had almost said yes, but decided that China’s  _ second  _ best book would be enough. She always gave up research after a few hours, anyways.

One time they were even after the same guy, but, unfortunately for this man, his very secret adept discipline was the ability to make two of himself. When he heard that someone was after him, he thought that the best course of action was to double himself and leave a very confusing trail behind him. He wasn’t aware, however, that it was two different people after him, and that each one had picked a different trail to track, which led to each of them finding one of the double, in completely different places, in completely different ways. They were never aware of the other, and both thought that had completed the job without any help. The Sanctuary, obviously, was very confused when they had to lock up the very same guy twice, with only hours of difference.

Skulduggery Pleasant and Valkyrie Cain  _ had  _ heard about each other, of course. Ever since Valkyrie had discovered magic, when she was eight, her uncle couldn’t stop talking about her skeleton friend and how she should met his inspiration for The Raven, even when he hadn’t seen his friend for almost ten years. Unfortunately, Gordon had always a new story to write, a deadline to keep or a woman to chase, and could never arrange a meeting between the two of them. When Valkyrie was older, she learned that “her uncle’s skeleton friend” was actually  _ that  _ Skulduggery Pleasant, and not some really skinny guy. She knew that he was a skeleton, that he was a detective, that he had fought on the war against Mevolent with the other Dead Men and that he was an incredible powerful Elemental. She also knew that something had happened between the detective and Wreath, by the amused-yet-ironic way her teacher mentioned him sometimes, but given that that was the way Wreath talked about almost everyone, she hadn’t thought much about it. Then, of course,  _ that  _ had happened, and by the time she’d came back from her self-imposed exile, very few people talked with her at all, so she thought that the chances for her to meet him (or for him to want to meet her) were very slim.

Skulduggery, of course, had heard about a girl, shadow-prodigy and believed by many as the next Death Bringer. He’d heard about a girl who somehow had discovered her true name and had managed to protect it, only for her other self to find another body — don’t ask Skulduggery how  _ that  _ had happened — and kill an awful lot of people. He was on the other side of the planet, chasing the body count that Darquesse had made there, and by the time he arrived in Ireland, the end of the world had already been avoided by a team of psychs, a very powerful killer-god weapon and the very same girl, who had developed a kind of Adept discipline in her Surge that nobody had ever seen. After that of course he would be inclined to meet the girl, if only to be certain that she wasn’t a threat anymore, but she’d disappeared. Retired, some said. Running from what she’d done, whispered others. Skulduggery was too busy after Serpine to go look or even to care very much for someone who wasn’t an imminent danger. He only heard her name again twenty years later: not only she was back in the magic world, but was using her very unique and very powerful discipline to catch bad guys. Not being a threat, there wasn’t a reason to him go after her. He wasn’t the type of person to go after someone only to shake hands, after all, and he  _ definitely  _ wasn’t the type of guy who people wanted to be friends with.

Fate, as it turned out, can only be delayed a certain amount of time until a certain group of magic people decide to intervene. In fact, little did they know that there was an ongoing pool between the psychs. All of them had had visions about the two of them meeting (Cassandra had predicted it happening twenty-three times, while Finbar claimed he had seen forty-seven variations of the fateful encounter). While they didn’t understand exactly  _ why  _ was so important for those two people to meet, the psychs were far too invested in what had become their very own soap opera. Valkyrie, despite the somewhat psych powers she’d developed, was unaware of this particular thread of destiny (she sometimes dreamed with a very smooth voice talking to her, but could never remember what it’d said by the time she woke up) working in her favor. So, almost as readers binge reading a very exciting book, the psychs decided to peek a little further (or maybe it was a matter of correcting a huge, unforgivable plot hole). Cassandra had casually hinted Valkyrie that something very big would happen in the next Requiem Ball during one of their training sessions, and Finbar had not so casually warned Skulduggery that something very bad would happen if he didn’t attend the next Requiem Ball.


	2. I

Valkyrie had arrived as late as she dared without putting at risk Cassandra’s vision. The Requiem Ball that year was taking place in the mansion of a sorcerer named Oscar Gray. She had met the host only once, a few years back, when he was having trouble with a cursed painting, a horrible piece which stood in between a toddler scribble and an epilepsy test. Now that she was seeing the rest of his collection hanging on the ballroom walls, she came to the conclusion that the cursed painting was actually one of the best works in there.

She was admiring a painting on the furthest wall of the ballroom when someone behind her spoke softly.

“What do you think the artist was trying to say with that?”

For a moment, Valkyrie thought that the voice belonged to the music playing, by the way it was smooth and deep. She was sure she’d heard it before. When she turned, though, she saw a skeleton a few meters behind her, one hand in the pocket of a very well-tailored tuxedo, the other holding a glass of champagne, tilting his head to her. He was still wearing a hat, and Valkyrie briefly wondered if it wasn’t a breach of etiquette, but she was wearing boots below her dress, so who was she to judge.

Valkyrie couldn’t say that the sight of a live skeleton was something common in her daily life, but she couldn’t say that it was the most unusual thing she’d ever seen either. It wasn’t even in the Top 10. Seeing your own face commit mass murder, for example, was a hundred times stranger. And scarier.

Remembering that he was a friend of her uncle, she smiled to him, and turned to the painting again.

“I was thinking something between a very desperate cry for help and a sadistic need to inflict pain.”

He came closer, stopping by her side, and offered the glass to her.

“Both valid options”, he said, nodding. “I like the way the woman seems to have two noses, she reminds me of someone.”

Valkyrie nodded too, sipping the champagne and keeping a straight face. She pointed to the figure in the corner. “That baby really captures the dark side of the human nature, I think.”

“Oh, God, is that a baby?” He bent to look closer. “I thought it was a worm with a face.”

Valkyrie snorted, choking with the champagne. He straightened himself, but tilted his head in a way she thought it meant he was amused. She looked at him, and couldn’t resist: she turned on her aura vision.

Red. Bright red. She was expecting something unique, of course, but it was impressive all the same. They turned away from the painting, and he bowed lightly.

“I’m afraid neither of us need presentation, Ms. Cain, but let me just say it’s a pleasure to finally meet you. I’ve only discovered very recently you were your uncle’s niece, but he speaks wonderfully of you all the same.”

“Likewise, Mr. Pleasant. Although I _did_ hear something about a librarian skeleton named Bill, so you might want to check on him to avoid any further confusions...”

She saw his aura turn a shade darker.

“Ah, yes. Him.” The distaste was obvious in his voice. “Horribly boring guy. Wouldn’t wish an encounter with him even for my worse enemy. Well, actually...”

She smiled, and they started to walk through the ballroom, still keeping themselves near the paintings and windows. It was nice, she thought. To talk with someone who didn’t seem to expect her to snap at any moment. No judgemental eyes or deep frows. True, Skulduggery Pleasant didn’t have any of those body pieces, but she got the impression that, even if he had a face, it wouldn’t be showing any unpleasant things either way.

A waltz began, and both of them stopped to watch China and Mr. Bliss dance across the room.

“For siblings that claim to hate each other, they dance surprisingly well together”, Valkyrie pondered, watching the way both of their faces remained impassive, even when the movements turned more complex.

“Typical sibling dynamics”, Skulduggery replied. “Nobody is allowed to call my brother stupid but me.”

She smiled, and after a few more moments, murmured, distracted: “Their auras are the same color”.

“I beg your pardon?” Skulduggery looked at her.

Valkyrie startled.

“Oh, it’s nothing, really.” The skeleton continued to look her, waiting for an explanation, and she wanted to jump out of the window. “It’s just that I can see everyone’s auras. You know, kinda like the impression of the soul. Not that I do it. At least not often. I know it’s creepy. And it isn’t polite to stare at it. I mean, I think it isn’t. There isn’t something like a code for good manners concerning auras, since I’m the only one who see them this way, but I’m almost certain that…”

“What’s mine?”, Skulduggery interrupted her babbling.

“Sorry?”

“My aura. What color is it? I do have one, I hope. It would be terribly disappointing not to”, his voice was toned with humour, and Valkyrie let herself relax a bit. “Now I know auras are a thing, I feel I’ve been neglecting a very key aspect of my appearance. Maybe that’s why everyone looks at me funny. Does something like an ugly auras exists? If mine is a horrible colour, like vomit, please lie to me. I have an extremely fragile ego.”

Valkyrie smiled, and turned to look through the window to hide her embarrassment.

“It’s red. Bright red.”

He nodded.

“That’s good. I mean, red is good, right? It’s vibrant, it’s strong, it pops. I have to say, I think it really matches my personality, and I can only hope that…”

“Mr. Pleasant.” It was Valkyrie’s turn to interrupt him.

“Yes?”

“Did the Sanctuary invite vampires to the ball?”

“No, I can’t see why they would. Vampires are terrible dancers.”

“I think we have a problem, then.”

Valkyrie had just spotted four shapes outside, facing the mansion. The moonlight and the lanterns scattered around the garden left no doubt about the appearance of the individuals. Skulduggery took a step closer and looked through the window too.

“Oh my.”

In the ten seconds following that statement, several things happened at once. Skulduggery pulled a gun out of his suit, shot the window and jumped out of it, not bothering to say anything. The music stopped, and every dancer with it. Reapers were in the room as soon as they heard the gunshot. Saracen Rue received a loud slap in the face from what it seemed to be a furious ex-lover. Valkyrie, the moment Skulduggery disappeared, turned to face the crowd, who was now looking at her with various degrees of outrage. She cursed the skeleton under her breath.

“Hm, it seems that... just some gatecrashers… no need to worry, we’ll handle it.”

And then proceeded to jump out of the window too, if only to escape the crowd inside.

When she landed on the garden (a bit too roughly, her hoovering really needed improvement), Skulduggery was already thirty meters ahead of her and was raising his gun again to meet the vampires, but he didn’t shoot. Valkyrie knew why. While bullets could stop a vampire, you need an awful lot of them to be effective, and Skulduggery couldn’t unload his comb on one of the creatures without being vulnerable to the other two. He needed a diversion. The vampires started to circle him, slowly. Waiting for the first move.

She could try to hit of of the vampires from this distance, but she was afraid to hit the skeleton on the way. She raised her hand to the sky, and started to move sideways, away from the mansion and from Skulduggery.

“Oi. Baldies,” she raised her voice, white light now crackling in her hand. “Did you know that I met some of your brothers just the other week? I think we’ve bonded really well. I even took them for a swim. They weren’t very good swimmers, though. Never saw them again. Do you think they are alright?”

The vampires turned to look at her, and Skulduggery used this moment to unload his gun in one of them. She couldn’t stay to see if it was effective, however, because the remaining three were now running after her. She put down her hand and started to run as fast as she could to her right, in direction of a coppice on the boundaries of the mansion, very grateful for her boots. She heard a roar of pain behind her, so she hoped that Skulduggery had managed to turn the attention of at least one of them back to him.

Valkyrie knew it was only a matter of time to the vampires to catch up to her, so she started a full sprint towards the woods. She heard a snarl and turned her head back, just in time to see one of them jumping in her direction. She managed to duck quickly enough to avoid having her throat ripped out, but not enough to avoid its claws entirely, and they opened a superficial yet long cut on her forehead.

She cursed. Her dress was Ghastly’s work, so it protect all the main organs, but the parts of her that weren’t covered (and there were many of those, now that she thought about it) were completely vulnerable. She looked exquisite, but at what cost? Besides, from the amount of blood that was dripping from her head, the dress would be ruined. That’s why she always wore black.

The vampire that had lunged was now in her way, but she couldn’t face him fully without turning her back to the second one. The third one was nowhere in sight, so she imagined that the skeleton was keeping it busy. She raised her hands, each one pointing to a creature, and started to gather magic.

“Now, I’m sure we can come up with a really nice…”

The vampires leaped forward and she blasted. She managed to hit the vampire on her right in the shoulder, but the other sidestepped and continued to move in her direction. She turned her focus to it, and was able to create an energy barrier just in time. The barrier reflected its momentum against it, and the vampire was pushed backwards. Valkyrie used the opening to run towards it and punch it in the face.

But the vampire who was hit by her blast was apparently back in the game, and it was coming to her in a way she knew she wouldn’t be able do deflect. Before the vampire could sink its claws into her, however, it got hit on the side by two huge fireballs.

“You know, Ms. Cain, it isn’t very nice to point the lack of hair of someone. You could really hurt someone’s feelings. Besides, can you imagine how I would look with real hair popping out of my skull? I wouldn’t be taken seriously anywhere”, Skulduggery said, his voice remaining smooth and calm like they were continuing a conversation. He walked towards her.

“Mr. Pleasant.” Both the vampires seemed to had recover enough, and were now slowly approaching again. Valkyrie maintained her eyes on the vampire she punched. Or tried too, because with all that blood from her forehead was a bit difficult to see. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Back there. You called me baldie”, Skulduggery stopped by her side, his focus on the vampire he’d set on fire, but his voice now seemed hurt. Resentful.

“No, I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did.”

“No, I didn’t.”

The vampires were circling them, and Valkyrie stood back to back with Skulduggery, both turning slowly to not break eye contact with either of them.

“Ms. Cain, I may not have ears, but I’ll have you know that my hearing is…”

“Skulduggery, for heaven's sake, I was talking to the vampires!”

“Ah. That makes a lot more of sense, actually. You _did_ lost me a bit when you started talking about my brothers, since they are excellent swimmers.”

She started to gather white energy in her hand. Skulduggery raised his hand and flexed his fingers.

“I didn’t even know you had brothers.”

“They are all dead, obviously, but I’m confident that even their ghosts would be accomplished swimmers.”

The vampires lunged. Skulduggery spread his hands and forced the air against his vampire, making it stop mid-air and then collide against a tree. He ran in its direction and started to throw fireballs on it, not letting the vampire get back up. Valkyrie threw a blast with her left hand, but it was just a diversion. The moment the creature sidestepped to her right, she was already running. She jumped and threw a flying kick right in its chest. She landed on top of it, and with her right hand blasted it at close range. This time she didn’t miss.

When she turned, Skulduggery was crouched, handcuffing an unconscious and very burned vampire. He straightened himself to look at her and shrugged.

“We need one of them alive to ask what was all this about.”

Valkyrie nodded, and started to walk towards him. Now that her adrenaline was lowering, the cut in her forehead was throbbing like hell. She wiped some of the blood out of her face. She was maybe three meters away when she saw a dark figure jumping from a tree behind the skeleton, ready to tear him apart. Valkyrie didn’t have time to think, she just raised her hand, aimed slightly above Skulduggery’s head and blasted white energy. The stream pierced a wide hole in his hat and hit the vampire straight through its chest. It fell, unconscious, and Valkyrie saw that it was the third one which Skulduggery had apparently just delayed.

He turned to look to the body and tilted his skull, the pierced hat still on top of it.

“Oh, good, for a moment there I thought you were aiming at me.” He picked the hat and started inspecting the hole.

“You need to stop assuming I’m against you while vampires are involved.”

“Well, you _did_ destroy my hat. And such a pretty hat it was.”

“I’ve saved your life.”

“But in order to do that you’ve killed the poor hat. Now we must take a step back to see if its sacrifice was worth it of…”

Valkyrie felt dizzy and pretty light-headed. The gash in her forehead hadn’t stopped bleeding for a moment.

“Mr. Pleasant.”

“Skulduggery, please.”

“Skulduggery, then.”

“Yes?”

“I know we’ve just met.”

“Yes, that’s true.”

“And that I put a hole in your hat.”

“Yes, that’s also true.”

“But I think I’m about to faint. Would you mind if...”

“Do you want me to catch you if you fall?”

“If it isn’t too much to ask.”

“No at all.”

“Thank you.”

Valkyrie swayed and her vision turned black, but her last conscious thought was that it was nice to have someone to catch you when you were falling face first onto the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, thanks for this wonderful post: https://anton-shudder-gist.tumblr.com/post/159953348721/skulduggery-pleasant-au-where-nothing-in-the-books 
> 
> Do you know how hard is to guess how Valkyrie's powers work???


	3. I.5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm posting this again because I got this idea, and the best place to put it, timeline-wise, was here.  
> Features Dark!Skul, or Pre-Val!Skul, or Vengeful!Skul, I don't know how to you wanna call it. But there is silliness too because I can't write my dorks serious all the time. (Val doesn't appear in this one, however).

 

Ghastly inspected the hole.

“Tell me again how this happened.”

“Ms. Cain blasted through it to get the vampire behind me.”

“Blasted?”

“Yes. With white energy. It’s like an energy thrower, but not quite.”

“And that was it? She blasted your hat, hit the vampire, fainted due an injury, you got her, brought her back to the mansion and both of you went off your respective ways **?”**

“What else could you possible be wanting to know?”

“Skulduggery, I know how protective you are with your hat. It’s a very good hat, believe me, I know it, since I was the one who made it, but one time I saw you threaten Dexter with dismemberment when he dropped some ketchup in it.”

“Your point being?”

“Valkyrie Cain put an hole in it and you still brought her back bride style.”

“What did you want me to do, leave her there? She  _ did _ kill a vampire who was after me.”

Ghastly smiled.

“You’ve bounded.”

“No, we didn’t. It was a forced-due-to-the-circumstances-collaboration.”

“You like her.”

“Don’t be absurd, I barely know her.”

“You’ve barely known me in that pirate ship either, but we became friends in no time.”

“And I’m seeing now that it was a very hasty decision on my part.”

Ghastly rolled his eyes.

“Don’t feel bad, Skul. She’s a really nice girl, now that her alter-ego isn’t out there killing people. And she shares your passion for punching people.”

“It  _ is _ a very nice hobby”, Skulduggery conceded, nodding.

“See? That’s friend material, right there.”

“I don’t need anymore friends. I have way too many already. I’m popular like that.”

Ghastly crossed his arms.

“Name three of them. And it has to be someone you’ve talked to in the last year.”

“A year? Sorceress are terrible in catching up, you know that. And I’m a very shy person.”

“Three friendly people, Skul.”

“You.”

“Thank you, I’m trying not to cry right now. Two more.”

Skulduggery went quiet for a moment.

“Gordon Edgley”, he sounded relieved.

Ghastly nodded. “Good. One more.”

The silence this time was longer.

“You know when people ask what’s your favorite movie, or food, and there is so many options that you can’t pick one? That’s what happening here.”

“I’m not asking to pick a favorite, Skulduggery. Can be a regular friend too. Hell, can even be a weird one.”

Skulduggery opened his mouth — jaw — to say something, but Ghastly interrupted him.

“And it has to be human, so don’t even think  **in** saying the Bentley.”

“Now you are just being racist.”

Ghastly didn’t say anything, and waited. Skulduggery sighed, and raised his head to the ceiling, thinking. 

“Cassandra Pharos.”

“Last time you’ve talked to her was eighteen months ago, because of the goblins situation.”

“Saracen Rue.”

Ghastly squinted his eyes.

“You didn’t talk to him in the Requiem Ball, and the last time you’ve talked with any of the other Dead Men was in Vegas, three years ago.”

“How do you even know all this? Do you keep a tab on me? That’s worrying. You know it is.”

More silence.

“China Sorrows.”

Ghastly started to laugh at this point, and Skulduggery crossed his arms, which meant that he was sulking.

“Fine. I may not be great in catching up, but it’s just because I’m very busy.” He looked at his wrist, which was bare. “And look at the time. I have people to save, monster to kill and people to punch.”

“You can’t run from the truth.”

“Of course I can. I’m a really good runner, since I don’t get tired.” He pointed to the hat, still in Ghastly’s hands. “Can you fix it?”

“Of course I can fix it.”

“Good. I don't have the time to go find another tailor, save them from a pirate ship and befriend them in order to have them fix it.”

“Or you could just pay them.”

Skulduggery laughed and left the room.

 

\--

 

Ned Clever wasn’t a man who lived up to his chosen name. He wasn’t particularly clever, and he wasn’t a particularly good example of a Ned either. Not that he was aware of that. For him, the fact that he was an agent of the Scotland Sanctuary and was now helping the famous Skeleton Detective meant that he was an incredibly talented, witty, fearless and spirited sorcerer, and not that Scotland was in desperate need of more agents.

“Remind me again why we are here”, he said when they pulled over.

Pleasant sighed from the driver seat. Again. He seemed to do that a lot around the scotsman. He lowered the scarf covering the lower part of his skull. Face. Ned had needed ten minutes of intense staring when he first saw him. Now he was proud to say that he was completely used to his face. Skull. Whatever. 

“We are here because one of my informants said that the sorcerer responsible for hiring the vampires behind the attempted invasion in the Requiem Ball had fled to Scotland, and this”, Pleasant waved his gloved-hand to the deteriorated house across the street, looking very much like a haunted building now that the only light on the street were the dim lamppost, “is his alleged hideout. So we are here, as I’ve said twice already, so we can take him to questioning. We’re not sure that this is really is house, so I’ll go first. You’ll only follow me if I don’t return in twenty minutes. Any doubts?”

Ned had gotten transfixed with the way the skeleton jaw moved when he talked, and took a while to notice the question.

“No… Wait. Why  _ you  _ will go first? Wouldn’t be better for me to go? Since I have... you know…”, he gestured vaguely to his face, but Pleasant only looked at him, his head tilted.

“A ridiculous beard?”

“No! I mean…”

“An oversized nose?”

“No, come on, you know what I’m trying…”

“A squint?”

“Skin! I have skin! And a face”, Ned cried out, desperate.

“Oh,  _ that _ .” Pleasant chuckled, and Ned relaxed on the back of the seat, chuckling too, but then the other abruptly stopped and shook his head. “No.”

“What do you mean,  _ no _ ? I can do better!”

“You really can’t.”

Pleasant started to wrap the scarf around his skull again. 

“I’m a very capable sorcerer!”

“You really aren’t.”

He put his sunglasses.

“There may be a trap inside! You’ll need backup.”

“I really won’t.”

The skeleton opened the door and jumped out of the car. He bent to look at Ned.

“Remember, twenty minutes”, and shut the door. 

Ned stood there, seething as he watched the detective approach the front door and knock. He stood still — too still, Ned thought, seriously, he could do a living person so much better —, and after a moment started to pick the lock. Who the skeleton thought he was anyway? Just because he wore those expensive suits, had that ridiculous smooth voice and were one of the most powerful Elementals alive. Yeah, he was one of the Dead Men, and had fought in the war, but so had Ned! After the Scotland Sanctuary had found him and forced him to go, anyway. Still, it were two whole years.

He looked at the clock. Eight minutes. No light came from the house, and Ned couldn’t hear anything. He wondered if Pleasant had found something. He probably hadn’t, and was now dawdling just to mess with Ned. He frowned at the thought. Maybe he should go inside, just to show the skeleton that Ned Clever wasn’t a man someone could just boss around. Yeah, he should do that. Ned grabbed the door handle, but froze. What if there  _ were _ bad guys inside? He stood there a moment, chewing his lips and pondering the consequences, but shook his head and straightened himself. He would show Pleasant that Ned Clever couldn’t be fooled. 

Ned jumped out of the car and stomped determined to the house. He hesitated for a moment at the door, but since he wasn’t hearing any fighting or troublesome sounds inside, he braced himself and entered. 

Nobody was there. The house was silent and dark. Ned went pass hesitantly through the rooms. He passed an empty living room and a messy kitchen, but found nothing and no one. Where was Pleasant? Just as he decided that the skeleton was definitely pulling his leg, he heard something in the end of the corridor. He crept all the way and saw a stairway leading down, and a dim light downstairs. A basement then. Ned swallowed hard and started to descend.

He suppressed the urge to scream when he got downstairs. It was a morgue. Okay, maybe not a morgue, but definitely a creepy lab, which had definitely at least five bodies laying on stretchers, all of them in a different stage of an autopsy. That was pretty terrifying in itself, but Ned caught himself swallowing dry for another reason altogether. 

Standing in the middle of the room, with two bodies on his feet and a third person at the aim of his gun, looking like the Grim Reaper was adept of suits now, was Pleasant. He looked like Death incarnated, the bodies around him, the blood on his feet, the way the shadows around him were darker in contrast with the white skull and seemed to dance towards him. Ned looked at him and thought about turning in the other direction.

“I thought I said for you to twenty minutes. It’s been fifteen”, his voice was low, soft, but he didn’t turned to look at Ned, looking straight to the woman at the other side of his gun. She was wearing black medical robes, and what it seemed to be a Necromancer medallion was crushed on the floor next to her. Her lips were split and an eye was shutting down, but she didn’t looked to Ned either. She didn't take her eyes of Pleasant.

Ned gulped.

“I–I thought I heard you screaming for help”, Ned lied.

Pleasant tilted his head.

“Oh, no, I don’t think anyone had the chance to scream for help here, right, doctor?” He waved a hand to the bodies on the stretchers. “Maybe this people screamed once. They seem to have passed for quite some torture.”

The woman muttered something that Ned couldn’t hear, but the skeleton laughed. It was a humorless laugh.

“I don’t think they would call it science, doctor. But I understand your confusion. I’ve met a man once who had a difficult time to see the difference between experimenting and torture. Maybe you’ve heard of him. You seem to have a lot in common”, he raised the gun a tiny bit more.

Ned didn’t like were this was going. He took a step ahead, his hands raised in a placating manner.

“Pleasant, let’s go, you got her already. There must be a phone here somewhere, we can call the Sanctuary and–”

The other man completely ignored Ned.

“What to you say? Does the name Nefarian Serpine rings any bells to you, doctor?”

The woman pressed her lips into a thin line and said nothing.

“If think it does, and I think he’s the one giving you orders, doctor. So we’re going to have a little chat about your boss, and you’re going to tell me everything you know.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

Pleasant aimed his gun to her thigh.

“I could make you talk.”

She laughed.

“You really couldn’t. And don’t bother taking me to a psych. My brain is programmed to shut down if someone start to poke around it.”

Pleasant aimed the gun to her forehead. 

“So I guess I don’t have much use to you.”

Ned started to panic. He took a few more steps forward, looking at Pleasant’s gun, but that proved to be a mistake, because this way he wasn’t looking to the floor, and Ned was never really good at walking without looking at the floor. He tripped in some sort of cable, and next thing he knew he was falling forward, knocking the skeleton down. Pleasant scrambled away quickly, but Ned wasn’t fast enough. He felt something pointy on his neck, and a moment later he was being heaved and the woman was using him as a human shield with a scalpel on his neck.

“Drop your gun, Mr. Pleasant.” 

Ned raised his arms. 

“Yes, please drop your gun, Mr. Pleasant.”

Pleasant didn’t drop his gun. Ned wanted to cry.

“I will kill him”, she said, her grip tightening.

“Please don’t”, Ned whimpered.

“Drop the scalpel, doctor.” 

“Yes, please drop the scalpel, doctor”, Ned whined.

She didn’t, and Ned wanted to cry more. Pleasant and the woman looked at each other for a moment, none of them wavering, until she bobbed her head back and laughed.

“You're a cold one, Mr. Pleasant. Well, I guess I can dispose of your little friend–”

Pleasant shot. He shot between Ned’s raised arm and torso, right next to his armpit. It was a impressive shot, and the shot hit the woman straight to the chest. She fell backwards. Ned felt something warm on his left side, and realised that the bullet had nicked his torso, and now he was bleeding.

“Oh, god.” Ned discovered he didn’t like the experience of being held as a human shield. Or being shot. Or bleeding. He laid on the floor, clutching his side, breathing heavily.

Pleasant passed through him, saying nothing, and bent to check the woman’s pulse. He didn’t seem to find any, because Ned heard him curse quietly. 

“You shot me!”

“No, I’ve shot the bad woman, the gun barely grazed you.”

“What if you missed?”

“I didn’t.”

“But what if you did?” Ned’s voice was dangerously high-pitched now. 

The skeleton sighed. He straightened himself and went towards a desk in a corner of the room, with a phone sitting upon it. Pleasant dialed, looking at Ned. 

“Hello, it’s Skulduggery Pleasant. We need some medical assistance here, the scotland sorcerer, Not Clever, was injured.”

“ _ Ned _ ,” he said weakly from the floor. “My name is Ned Clever.”

“Oh.” Pleasant went silent for a moment. He put a hand on the mouthpiece. “Are you sure?”

Ned started to cry. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CAN YOU BELIEVE I HAVE A PLOT NOW? IT'S NOT VERY GOOD, BUT IT EXISTS, AND IT'S MINE. That's why I'm taking so long. But the next chapter will be great and full of silliness (yes, more).


	4. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, in case you haven't seen it, I've added a shot in chapter 3 (or I.5). go read it!!!! noww!!! if you want it, of course.  
> about this one, they are dorks and they will be dorks no matter what, and you can fight me.

After — what they thought was — their first encounter, they couldn’t stop bumping into each other. It was ridiculous, really. Almost as fate was compensating for something.

 

\--

 

Valkyrie stifled her fifth yawn in the last twenty minutes. Meritorious was talking about the new policy about working with others Sanctuaries, jurisdiction, sharing information and _braiding_ legislation (Valkyrie was suspicious that she had misheard the last one). But judging by the the number of sidelong glances and glares she was receiving — even though she was sitting in the last roll of chairs —, she wasn’t the only one not paying close attention.

“You look like you are trying to keep a very insistent frog inside your mouth”, someone whispered in her ear. Valkyrie jumped, and glared as the person accommodated himself in the vacant — obviously — chair by her side. The skeleton was wearing an exquisite black suit that Valkyrie had never seen before. Actually, since the Requiem Ball three months ago, she’d bumped into Skulduggery four times (passing by the Sanctuary corridors; leaving Ghastly shop; at China’s library, peering at some shelves; and she was _almost_ sure they had stopped side by side at a traffic light, but he was wearing huge sunglasses and a scarf, so she couldn’t be certain), and had never seen him in the same clothes. She wondered how many suits he had.

“I can’t help it, last night some idiot at a club thought it would be a good idea to show the crowd some magic tricks. You don’t want to know what a Adept power has to do with someone’s private parts. And after that I couldn’t sleep because of the mental scarring.” She hissed at him. Lie. She couldn’t sleep because of a different sort of mental images. Or flashbacks. “Besides, people who arrive so late are not allowed to say anything.”

“I was meditating and lost track of time. _Besides_ , I’m not that late”, Skulduggery whispered back.

“What do you mean you’re not that late? The meeting’s started at least one hour ago.”

“Twenty-five minutes, actually.”

Valkyrie paled.

“Oh my god, that’s not possible. It feels like _ages_ . Someone must be slowing time. I heard about a sorcerer who could do that. Do I look twenty-six already? _”_

“You are always that dramatic?”

“Only when I’m bored. But I get bored very easily.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

They went silent during three whole minutes. 

“How much do you want for barging in again and announcing that a horrible threat had fallen upon the city? No one noticed you’ve arrived, we still have a chance”, Valkyrie whispered.

“Which horrible threat?”

“I don’t know, anything. Say an army of… octopus people are invading.”

Skulduggery tilted his head. “Octopus people?”

“Yes.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“I’m sure you can make it believable.”

“No, nobody can make it believable. And you should really pay attention. Sanctuary meetings are important.”

Valkyrie sulked, but went quiet. She ignored some more glares in her direction and considered nodding off, but was afraid to get caught. She really envied the skeleton right now. Having only eye sockets would be really handy. He could be sleeping, or making faces to people, and nobody would even know. Did skeletons sleep? She considered asking him, but was afraid to be rude. After fifteen minutes, which felt like sixty, Skulduggery turned to her again.

“Fine, it _is_ really boring”, he whispered.

Valkyrie grinned.

“Any suggestions?”

“Threat of a bomb?”

“Too extreme.”

“You could pretend to have a vision.”

Valkyrie briefly wondered how he knew about this part of her powers. Maybe Cassandra told him. She wasn’t bothered about the possibility as she thought she would, but she made no with her head.

“People already see me as mentally unstable, I don’t want to add that _peculiarity_ to my image too.”

He nodded, understanding.

“Bathroom emergency?”, Valkyrie suggested, but dismissed herself right after. It was a one person excuse, and it wasn’t as the skeleton could–

“Used that one last week.”

Valkyrie looked at him, eyebrows raised. He shrugged.

“I think they were too afraid to ask.”

They’ve paused for a moment, and Skulduggery tilted his head to her.

“You can always faint.”

She glared at him.

“No, I cannot.”

“Don’t be silly. Your fainting abilities are impressive.”

“Skulduggery, just because I’ve fainted _one_ time, after saving your life, by the way, doesn’t mean I will–”

“Ms. Cain. Mr. Pleasant.” Eachan Meritorious was staring at them now, his tone sharp. The whole room turned to look too. “Is there anything you want to share with us?”

Hell, since people were already looking at her... Valkyrie stood up.

“Actually, Grand Mage, there is. Mr. Pleasant here just arrived with worrisome news.”

“I didn’t just arrive, actually–” Valkyrie kicked him sideways.

Meritorious raised his eyebrows.

“That’s true, Mr. Pleasant?”

Skulduggery rose too, muttering something under his breath, and crossed his hands behind his back.

“Yes, Grand Mage. I’m afraid a terrible threat has fallen upon the city. If you could excuse me, I may be able to stop it before anything really bad happens.” Valkyrie kicked him again. “And maybe Ms. Cain could help me. I could use an accessory.”

“Which threat?”

“A very serious one.”

Meritorious pressed his lips together.

“What's the threat, Skulduggery? I need to know in order to access the situation.”

A moment of hesitation, and then Skulduggery said, quietly:

“Octopus people…”

“I’m sorry?” Meritorious frowned. “I’m afraid I didn’t hear that right.”

Skulduggery straightened himself, and spoke louder.

“Octopus people, Grand Mage.”

Valkyrie tried very hard to keep a serious face. She wasn’t sure she was succeeding.

“Octopus people?”

“Yes. Eight-armed. Or maybe eight-legged. Eight-something for sure. Their others features are still being discovered.”

The Grand Mage didn’t look convinced.

“And how have you heard about this… octopus people? And they’re plans?”

“Oh, it’s a known fact that they simply hate humans. It seems to be because a long time ago a human made fun of their appearance, and they vowed to annihilate the human race in order to restore their pride. They seem ready to attack, so it’s most important that we act quickly and stop them before they reach the city.”

“And the two of you will be enough to take down such a threat by yourself?”

Skulduggery hesitated for a moment.

“Octopus people are very sensitive to heat”, Valkyrie intervened. “Ms. Pleasant can use his fire, and I can use my… heated-magic bubble to defeat them.”

Meritorious eyed them suspiciously, but Valkyrie kept a straight face, and Skulduggery didn’t have one.

“Fine. But please report back to me once you are back. I’m looking forward to hear more about this… octopus people.”

Once they’ve left the room and closed to door behind them, Skulduggery tilted his head to her.

“Heated-magic bubble?”

“Oh, shut up. I can’t believe you really said octopus people.”

“You put the idea on my mind, I couldn’t think of anything else.” He fixed his tie. “Besides, I’ve handled it marvelously. I’m sure everyone in that room is terrified now, and we get to be the heroes who saved the city from the upcoming threat.”

They started to walk through the corridors.

“And what will we say when Meritorious asks us about it?”

“That, after an very arduous fight, in which you fainted after the first minute, and I not only saved your life, but proceeded to fight with all the octopus people by myself, I’ve managed to keep them away, and they retreated, swearing to think twice before invading the land of the fearsome skeleton.”

“Will you let go of the fainting thing, please?”

“But it’s really amusing.”

Just as they were making a turn, the Administrator bumped into them, disheveled and out of breath.

“Ms. Cain, Mr. Pleasant.” They nodded. “I’m sorry, I need to hurry, I need to notify the Grand Mage about a–”

For one terrifying moment, Valkyrie feared they would say “an army of octopus people”, but mentally scolded herself.

“... there was an uprising. Some prisoners apparently got away, but we need someone to access the situation, and see if they are missing or just hiding inside the prison, and I need to alert the Grand Mage–”

Skulduggery raised his hands to stop the Administrator’s rant.

“Ah, there is no need. He already knows. He sent us.”

There it went Valkyrie's hope to catch a late-morning nap. She sighed internally.

“But… how… how did he knew about it?”

“There was a psych in the meeting. He saw the threat and alerted us. The Grand Mage sent me to look further into it, but he felt I would need an accessory, and picked Ms. Cain as well. Can’t say I know why I would need a fainting accessory, but I’m sure the Grand Mage had his reasons.”

Valkyrie refrained the urge to step on his toes.

The Administrator looked at them, uncertain.

“I still feel that I need to notify the Grand Mage–” Skulduggery put a hand on their shoulder and started to guide them away from the conferenceroom. Valkyrie followed, walking by the other side of the Administrator.

“Now, we don’t want to interrupt the Grand Mage _again_ , right? It’s a very important meeting, and things were getting heated in there. People are so passionate about international legislation…”

The Administrator nodded, as if what the skeleton said was completely relatable.

“It _is_ incredibly fascinating.” He looked at both of them, now in front of him and near the exit door. “I suppose… since the Grand Mage is already aware…”

Skulduggery clapped his hands together.

“Excellent! Have a nice day, Administrator.”

They took their leave.

Coincidently, Skulduggery had parked his car (a Bentley, so it really was him that day by the traffic light) right next to hers (it was an black 1954 Corvette with orange seats and orange and white panel. It was once orange on the outside as well, a late welcome back gift from her parents, but she thought it would be best — and safer — if it wasn’t that recognizable on the streets, so she painted it black).

“Hey, Skulduggery.”

He was grabbing his keys in one of the suit pockets, and raised his head to look and her.

“Last one there has to report to Meritorious later.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YES, I DID THAT, BECAUSE EVEN IN MY AU THERE MUST BE OCTOPUS PEOPLE.


	5. III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I'm back!!!!!!!  
> I hope you guys like it! It was a bitch to write because of the ~action scenes (or my poor attempt of it), so please send me feedback!!!!!!!
> 
> Thanks for the kudos and comments <3

Valkyrie ran through the dungeons corridors, the philosopher’s stone tight in her hand. She knew that everything was too damn easy. When she’d crept inside the building, the guards were celebrating something and were completely distracted. The room where the magic stone was located was pathetically protected. But just as she was picturing a nice, calm evening with Xena, maybe even some Days of our Lives, someone had spotted her across the hallway, so now she was running through a maze of dark and umid corridors. 

Valkyrie turned around a corner and saw a guard waiting for her at the end of the corridor. Cursing, she stopped on her tracks, and considered her options. If she went back, she would probably face all the other guards that were chasing her, and be even more distant from were she  _ thought  _ it was the exit. And, well, it was as good time as any to try something she’d been practicing. Valkyrie closed her eyes. The man was shouting something and running in her direction, but she ignored him. After a few seconds, she opened them and almost laughed. The world had lost a lot of its color, but she could see  _ magic _ . Not very well yet, it was like turning a thermal vision filter and not knowing its scales or how to read it. The only thing truly colorful now was the man’s orange aura, but she could also see currents in the air, she could see a hidden sigil glowing on the wall and she could see the magic, like a mist, drifting inside the guard.

The guard stopped, frightened. Valkyrie knew why. Her eyes were crackling with white magic. She focused on the man’s right shoulder, squinted her eyes and  _ pushed _ . She was momentarily blind, but two beans of energy, smaller than the one she was used to do with her hand, hit the man, exactly where she had aimed. The man collapsed on the floor, and she almost grinned before turning her special vision off starting to run again. She was a freaking X-Man.

The guards seemed to had lost her. Valkyrie slowed a little, trying to think a way out. She passed a smaller corridor on her right, and stopped. Was that a whistle? She backtracked and listened. Yes, someone was whistling “Georgia on my Mind”. She looked back again, to be sure nobody was following her, and entered the corridor. It was full of dungeons cells. The whistling got louder, and Valkyrie found him in the third one, sitting on the floor with his back on the wall, rolling his skinny thumbs.

“Skulduggery?”

He stopped whistling and tilted his head, but remained sitting.

“Ms. Cain?”

It’s been a while since she’d last seen him. Two months, maybe? He was wearing his dark navy suit. One of his favorites, as far as she could tell.

“What are you doing here?”

“You see, many others have asked the same question, but I’m afraid I’m not quite sure. Some say it’s because, when my family was murdered, I got so angry that death wasn’t enough to placate my ire, so I’ve come back. Others say that Nefarian Serpine wasn’t in his top form, and something went wrong with his red hand. Today, I personally think I’m here out of spite.”

Valkyrie blinked and stood silent for a moment.

“I mean, what are you doing  _ in this cell _ ?”

“Ah. I was looking for the philosopher’s stone, but was surprised by a very silly-looking guard and got caught.” He stood up, brushed the dust off of his suit, and approached the cell door. “You got the stone?”

“This one?” Valkyrie showed him the white crystal.

He nodded.

“Good.” He took a step back and flexed his fingers. “Would you mind taking a step to your left?”

She did, and he spread his fingers. The door went flying and hit the corridor wall. Skulduggery stepped out of the cell. 

She frowned at him.

“If you could do that the entire time, why haven’t you escaped before?

“At first there was a guard and I was handcuffed. A second guard appeared and said something about  _ another _ gatecrasher and both went off running. I’ve managed to pick the lock, but then I got distracted, and then two hours had passed, so I decided to wait to see if the other invader passed by.”

“You got distracted?”

“Happens to the best of us.” He waved his gloved hand, dismissing the situation. “Shall we?” He started to walk through the corridor.

Valkyrie frowned harder. In the two years and a half she knew him, they’d seen each other in a certain amount of dangerous situations, but she’d never seen him freeze or get distracted when there was a threat nearby. Yes, he could talk about unrelated topics and nonsense like no one, but he always had his guard up. To get caught and wait in his cell for two hours? She looked at his back, suspicious, and then she remembered something Ghastly had told her.

“Oh my god.” He turned to look at her, and she pointed at him. “You’re sad about Grace Kelly.”

He froze. He stood silent. He tilted his head. 

“What makes you think that Grace Kelly has anything to do with all this?”, he finally said.

“Ghastly mentioned you had a crush on her last week.” She heard Skulduggery muttering something under his breath. “He was worried about the news and how you would react.”

“I’m perfectly fine.”

“Well, obviously you are not, since you were distracted enough to get caught and to forget to escape.”

“Grace Kelly had nothing to do with it,” his voice sounded annoyed. He turned and resumed walking. “We better go before someone finds us.”

Valkyrie ran after him.

“Come on, Skulduggery.” He said nothing. “There’s no need to be embarrassed. Everybody has celebrity crushes.”

“I’m not embarrassed. I don’t get embarrassed. I have nothing to be embarrassed about.” He stopped in a bifurcation, and he raised his hand. “Now, would you please shut up, I need to concentrate.”

Valkyrie raised her hands up to the air, showing her exasperation. She watched as he felt the air. After a moment, he lowered his hand and started to walk through the left corridor. Valkyrie followed him and stayed quiet.

“It was not a crush.”

She repressed the urge to grin.

“She was just a very talented actress.”

“And very pretty.”

He nodded, like Valkyrie had just made a good point.

“And  _ amazingly _ pretty”, he said, his voice getting a tinge of wonder.

“See, that was not so difficult, was it? You should’ve seen me the day James Dean died.”

He tilted his head, but continued to look forward. 

“James Dean?” 

Valkyrie shrugged.

“Pretty face, bad boy attitude and nice arms. What not to like?”

“The ridiculous hair?”

“It wasn’t  _ that _ upright.”

Skulduggery said nothing.

“It wasn’t, and you shouldn’t make fun of other people crushes, I was only trying to–” Skulduggery raised his arm to stop her and pushed her against the wall beside him. He peeked around the corner.

“We’ll have to be really careful now,” he whispered to her. 

“Why, it’s a guard? We can handle a guard.”

“No, it’s not a guard. It’s the owner of the house.”

“The sorcerer who stole the stone? That’s good, right? We can arrest him too.”

“I don’t think it’ll be that simple.”

“Why not?”

“The rumors said he’s a Kineticist.”

Valkyrie frowned.

“What’s a Kineticist?”

“An Adept sorcerer who has the ability to absorb kinetic energy and transform it in strength. The more you hit him, the stronger he gets.”

“So all we have to do is  _ not  _ hit him, right? We throw magic at him.”

Skulduggery nodded.

“That would be a very good plan, yes. Except...”

“What?”

“He disappeared.”

Valkyrie heard something right behind her. She turned, just in time to see four guards exiting a small corridor which was not there thirty seconds ago. Leading the guards was a tall but scrawny-looking man. More to the young side, actually, Valkyrie realised when he walked in their direction in the badly illuminated hallway. He didn’t seem very strong, but considering his power, Valkyrie thought, he didn’t need to be.

“Ah, Skulduggery Pleasant and Valkyrie Cain”, he said, his voice hoarse and his eyes shining. He stopped a few meters away, and all the guards around him pointed their guns to Valkyrie and Skulduggery. “I’ve been warned that one of you could make an appearance. Such an honor to meet  _ both _ of the most unique sorceress in the world”, he clapped his hands together, excited. “We should create a club!”

Valkyrie looked side-eyed to Skulduggery, but the skeleton was looking straight ahead. She turned on her aura vision. All the guards had orange ones, but the young man’s was a very light shade of yellow. She turned it off. She put her hands behind her back,  preparing to gather magic. The Kineticist extended his arm, palm upward.

“All you have to do is give the crystal to me, and we could be drinking tea and chatting like old friends in no time.”

“I don’t drink tea”, Skulduggery said, taking a step ahead, with his palms up to show that he meant no harm, and tilted his head to the left. Valkyrie understood. 

“And I don’t like chatting”, she said, and raised her arms, her hands now crackling white. She shot upwards, to the ceiling above the sorceress. Skulduggery clapped his hands, and a wave of ar pushed them backwards. Since he had to focus on the breadth, it didn’t had enough power to push all of them across the corridor, but it was strong enough to push the Kineticist against the guards, and make some of those stumble backwards. It was their queue. Skulduggery started to run forward, in what it seemed the direction of the sorceress, Valkyrie right behind him. Her hands didn’t stop blasting magic for a moment, and the ceiling was starting to collapse, dust and stone falling. The Kineticist roared, and the guards composed enough started to shoot, but Valkyrie was wearing Ghastly’s clothes, and, apparently, so was Skulduggery. The skeleton stopped in order to throw fireballs in their direction, and Valkyrie used the moment to stop blasting and jump to the left, inside the narrow corridor from were the Kineticist had popped. She ran a few meters, but looked back and stopped. Skulduggery was crouched and had a hand on the wall, apparently worsening the state of the ceiling, making more pieces fall. She aimed above him and blasted randomly, just to keep anyone from getting to close. When the entrance was reasonably blocked and Valkyrie couldn’t blast past it, Skulduggery got up and they started running. 

“Do you know where we are going?”, Valkyrie asked, looking back  **to** the skeleton.

Skulduggery had his hand raised, feeling the air. “Left. And then right. And left again.”

“It’s that the way to the exit?”

But apparently Skulduggery didn’t hear her. The corridors were narrow, not enough room to two people run side by side, so Valkyrie concentrated in keeping up the pace in order to not slow them down. They turned to the last left, only to find themselves in the room where the crystal was when Valkyrie first arrived at the place. She halted at the door, and turned to look at the skeleton.

“Skulduggery, that’s not the exit.”

He nodded at her, but it looked like he was trying to find a way to step inside the room without pushing her out of the way.

“Wonderful observation skills.”

She crossed her arms on her chest.

“I thought the plan was to get out of here.”

He shrugged.

“We never really discussed a plan, to be honest.”

She glared at him. He sighed, and put his hands on her shoulders, carefully pushing her out of the way and into the room. His gloved hands were neither hot or cold. He released her quickly to press a button on the side of the door, closing it. It blended perfectly with the wall. He started to walk towards the middle of the room. Valkyrie glared some more at his back.

He seemed to sense it, because he turned to her, hands in his pockets, looking almost apologetic. She didn’t buy it.

“I forgot something in here.”

“You forgot–”

“Not technically forgot, you see, but when I was here I dropped something,  _ deliberately _ , in order to the guards not to find it. I knew they were going to ransack me, that’s why I keep my gun between the fourth and fifth ribs, so–”

“You keep your gun inside you?”, Valkyrie raised her eyebrows. She probably was being rude right now, but didn’t care much.

Skulduggery waved his hand dismissively. He started to pace around the room, his head down, clearly looking for something on the floor.

“I have the space, it’s practical, and nobody ever finds it when they pat me.”

“Isn’t it dangerous? I mean, what if it fires accidentally? You could pass a bump on the road, or somebody could shove you really hard, and then next thing you know there’s a bullet in your heart.”

“I don’t have a heart, Ms. Cain.”

“Your  _ figurative  _ heart, then.”

“I keep the gun locked.”

Valkyrie opened her mouth to point out how preposterous was the whole thing, but decided that this was not an argument that she wanted to have right now. She approached him, looking at the floor too, and asked:

“So what are we looking for?”

“My car keys.”

She looked up, waiting to see if he was joking. He didn’t seem to notice, and crouched to look under the table.

“Your car…” She rubbed her temple. “If you put your gun inside you, why don’t you do the same with your car keys?”

Skulduggery was almost under a table, so his answer was muffled.

“Sorry, I didn’t quite get that”, she drawled.  

He straightened himself and turned to her, a car key now in his left hand.

“I said: ‘Don’t be absurd, it wouldn’t stop jingling and everyone would hear me coming’.” He jingled the keys for the effect.

Valkyrie narrowed her eyes. She was almost sure he was pulling her leg somehow, but wasn’t sure how exactly. She opened her mouth to accuse him of doing so anyway, but she heard a blast behind her and turned to see the door where they’ve came through crumbling, the Kineticist and two guards right behind it. They’ve stepped into the room, the first one rubbing his hands together and the guards with their guns raised.

“Not a great idea, you see, to collapse a building on top of a Kineticist”, the man said. “Now I have all this... energy to spare.”

The guards fired, and Valkyrie had to cross her arms in front of her head to avoid getting hit. She tried to create an energy barrier, but couldn’t concentrate properly. Suddenly, the bullets stopped coming. Valkyrie looked to the side and saw Skulduggery with both arms raised, palms extended. She looked at the guards and saw that Skulduggery was manipulating the air somehow, creating a shield and making the bullets stop and fall a few meters in front of them.

The Kineticist roared, and started to run towards Skulduggery. The skeleton couldn’t lower his hands yet, but grunted to Valkyrie: 

“Guards.”

She nodded and started to run towards them. She raised her hands and aimed to their feet, forcing them to lower their guns and retreat a few steps. When she was close enough, she aimed and blasted magic again, now aiming to one of the guns. It went flying, but she didn’t slow down, running towards the one with the gun still in their hands. She tried to pry the gun away from the guard, but their grip was tight. Both of them stood on this tug-of-war for a moment, until Valkyrie was able to push the barrel down, forcing the stock up and right into the guard’s chin. Their hold weakened, and she pried the gun away from them. She used it to land a few blows: stomach, ribs, temple. The guard crumbled. 

Before she could turn, however, the other guard crashed into her, kicking her back. She fell forward, on her knees, and had to drop the gun, but before they could do anything else, she turned still kneeling, one leg swiping back. The guard jumped, but she raised herself swinging an upper. Their chin fell right on top of her fist. They stumbled back, dazed, and she sent a flying kick to knock them out.

While she rushed to lock the two guards away with her handcuffs, she looked up to the other fight.

Skulduggery was avoiding getting to close of the Kineticist, dodging and dancing around him, like a bullfighter. He sometimes threw a fireball towards the other sorcerer, but his clothes seemed reinforced too. Valkyrie finished putting the guards away and started to run towards them, but before could get close, she saw when the Kineticist found an half of an opening and threw a punch on Skulduggery’s ribs.

She screamed. It wasn’t a perfect punch, Skulduggery had stepped away from part of it, but what if the Kineticist could break bones with just one blow? What if a broken bone was all it took to make the skeleton crumble at their feet? She raised her hand, magic on her fingertips, but stopped running when she saw that Skulduggery hasn’t turned to a pile of bones on the floor, or wasn’t holding his ribs painfully or any other thing that indicated a major injury. In fact, he had stopped moving, and was now considering the Kineticist with his head tilted.

“Tell me again how you got to be a Kineticist.”

The man sneered at him.

“I’ve trained since I was a boy.”

“But did you have a tutor? You searched through books extensively?”

Valkyrie felt the need to point out that maybe that wasn’t the best time for this.

“Skulduggery–”

“I was a natural! Ever since I was a little boy people realized my potential for it”, the Kineticist screamed, and went for another punch, this time aiming Skulduggery’s head.

He blocked the punch easily, grabbed the man’s arm and twisted behind his back. The man whimpered, and Valkyrie raised her brows.

“That’s it? That’s his strength?”

“Oh, don’t get me wrong, he’s strong for a scrawny guy, but it seems that’s all of it.”

“Talk about anticlimactic.”

Skulduggery shrugged.

“It was highly unlikely for him to be so skilled without any special training. And since the last  _ real _ Kineticist died a couple hundred years ago…”

“I am a  _ real _ Kineticist! He said so! Let me go and I’ll show you!”

“Okay.”

Skulduggery released him suddenly, and the man lost his balance and fell. He scrambled to his feet quickly.

“What?”

Skulduggery opened his arms.

“Hit me.”

The man frowned at him, but assumed a boxer stance. Skulduggery didn’t move. The  (pseudo?) Kineticist prepared to throw a punch.

“Wait!”, Valkyrie raised her voice, running the last meters towards them. They looked at her. She sat on top of a table near the wall, legs crossed. “I want to see it properly.”

She closed her eyes, and a minute later opened them again, eyes crackling. She gave a thumbs up at the two. 

Skulduggery’s aura was as red as always, bright and abrasive. But not only that, his whole figure was glowing. The magic was around and inside him, not like a mist, but almost like blood currents keeping him standing. It was amazing, and she had to force herself to look away. 

The Kineticist’s aura was the same pale yellow that she saw before, but now she wondered if that paleness indicate something else. His magic was still for a moment, but then it started to flow towards his right arm. She saw it building, turning brighter, and she was about to scream to Skulduggery to duck when she saw it leaking to the air, dispelling itself. The Kineticist threw the punch, and Skullduggery grabbed his fist with no trouble.

Valkyrie stood up and approached them.

“Wow, you suck.”

The Kineticist was trying to pull himself out of Skulduggery’s grip, but wasn’t being successful. After a few seconds, Skulduggery got tired of it and landed a blow right in his temple, knocking him out. The skeleton handcuffed him, and turned to look at Valkyrie.

He tilted his head to her. 

“Ms. Cain, I have to say, your eyes are sparkling this evening.”

Valkyrie laughed.

“And yours are as deep as a bottomless well, Mr. Pleasant.”

He laughed, and she closed her eyes, turning it off. She winced when she felt a killer headache approaching, but when she opened her eyes again, Skulduggery was still looking at her. 

“Do you need a ride, Valkyrie?”

She actually did. Alice had borrowed the Corvette, after dropping Valkyrie nearby, telling Valkyrie to call her when she was finished, but she supposed that asking Skulduggery to drop her off was much more practical.

She shrugged, and started to walk out of the room.

“After the trouble to get the damn car key, that’s the least you could do.”

She didn’t need to look back and see the tilt in his head to know that he was smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- No, the Kineticist is not my idea, he was mentioned in Kingdom of the Wicked.  
> \- Yes, Grace Kelly died in 1982, so it fit perfectly.  
> \- Yes, James Dean had a stupid hair.  
> \- No, I don't know guns very well.  
> \- Yes, I know people don’t use suck in the 80s, but it was so her!  
> \- Yes, that was the first time Skulduggery called her Valkyrie
> 
> So, about Valkyrie’s power: I know it seems like Darquesse power’s a bit, but bear with me. Valkyrie's power is raw magic, right? With no filter, no limit (except her own body). So it must be much harder to wield than when she was Darquesse (I’m thinking of the dam/pipe analogy here), but the potential is bigger, and it can be shaped in a way to see magic. Pretty much like a thermal vision.
> 
> That’s it, thank you for coming to my Ted talk.
> 
> Next chapter will hoppefully explain the mess that is Valkyrie's timeline.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, Gordon is the new Edgar Allan Poe.  
> My timeline sucks but I think Valkyrie was born in the beggining of the XX century (1920 maybe).  
> Valkyrie parents are not dead and will never be, I'll think about it later.


End file.
